I am shocked and awed. Seriously.

So, this morning as I paged through the news, I came across a very interesting tidbit. At first, I rubbed my eyes and sqinted, thinking (and hoping) that I was seeing things that weren't actually there on the computer screen. I even shut down my computer, got a second cup of coffee, came back, and tried to read the news again, praying that I had been hallucinating because of the extreme cold. Unfortunately, it looks like I have been slapped in the face with a very inconvenient truth by way of a shocking and frightening headline...

Lindsay Lohan Asks Al Gore for Help

Oh, dear God. What in the world could this possibly mean? Does she want to save the environment? Does she want to get into politics? Does she want to be friends with Chelsea Clinton?

Sigh. No. She wants to clean up her image.

Lindsay Lohan has asked former American Vice President Al Gore to help her clean up her image.

In an email written by the 20-year-old actress to friends and lawyers she states she is sick of her portrayal in the media and wants to hold a press conference to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country." The 'Mean Girls' star - whose rambling email is littered with spelling and grammatical errors - summons what she bizarrely calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes" to help her "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press.

"I want to hold a press conference. And will do anything necessary to do so."

Wait, WHAT? The girl who has amused the world by these rumors?

According to the National Enquirer Lohan frequently snorts cocaine and pops the illegal drug Oxycontin only to wash it down with vodka. The source claims to have spent many booze and drug fueled nights with the out of control star.

The combination of drugs keeps Lindsay up all night before taking sleeping pills when she's ready to crash.

The source revealed:

"She'll take cocaine which pumps her up, then painkillers which numb her, and then smoke cigarettes one after another. And when she finally needs to sleep, she'll take Ambien to knock herself out.

"And the longer she goes without sleep, the more paranoid she gets.

"There are times when Lindsay really thinks people want to kill her. But she refuses to miss a night of partying."

Yeah, all of that IN ADDITION to her affinity to hang out with Paris Hilton and flash her crotch, ala Britney Spears. (and NO, I will NOT link pics) There's more...and I have to bold it all, because it is just too good.

According to the New York Post newspaper, Lindsay writes: "Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me.

"If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Seriosuly. I don't even know what to say. If Lindsey Lohan thinks Al Gore can help her clean up her image, then she is crazier than Pat Robertson. And if Al Gore thinks that Lindsey Lohan would be a nice little pet project that may help HIM, then he is crazier than Lindsey Lohan. Note to both: Stay the hell away from each other. Lindsey, you are beyond help, and deserve everything you get for being an atrocious, gluttonous CHILD with no control or values. Al Gore; just stick to what you do best, man. People finally respect you again. Please, stay far away from she who is lovingly called "firecrotch."

Here's the bat shit crazy email, in all of it's psychopathic glory:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.

I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time.

Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan
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